A Problematic Relationship

I was approached by a friend who wanted to question me about the "problems" of relationship. J said, "I am in a relationship with a man who is extremely jealous." "He is constantly suspicious of me, and questions me regarding all my activities with other men." "He has been violent toward me and I am at my wits end with his constant threats and criticism". "I do care for him but I do not know how to handle this jealously". J was visibly shaken and was looking for some sort of answer that would enable her to deal with the problem. J, you have to start with yourself, because all problems begin and end with the self. You cannot control the other, there is nothing you can do or say that will change the other person. You must accept the reality of the moment and be aware of the reactions of self. If you see that there is a snake in your path, you do not say I will try to reason with the snake and thus avoid being bitten. You know the true nature of the snake so you avoid it, not out of fear but out of intelligence. You are not judging the other by trying to inflict your "reason" on them. But rather you see the reflection of self in the other so you understand on a level that goes beyond the entrapment of emotional dependence. When there is psychological dependence, there is an attachment that feeds on feelings of fear and insecurity. You have emotional baggage and so does your partner, so there is a psycho-dynamic element that works to pull you together while simultaneously pushing you apart to the point where you both view yourselves as victims of the other. If you are in the moment not escaping into the faults of the other then it is possible to realize that the problem you comprehend is actually your creation, then you can end it. As long as you seek to blame the other, it will not end. Because the other gives a sense of validation to ones own view of self. J said, "I see that some of what you say is true, but how can I be responsible for his violence?" Forget responsibility, If there is no you, that is you cease being a victim, is there a problem? If you want the fire to go out you have to stop throwing fuel on it. You just walk away from it. You end it totally in the moment. J said, "but he will continue to hound me, call me and cause all sorts of problems with my friends". How will he bother you if there is no you to be bothered. Eventually the fire will be extinguished, but it has to start with you. If there is no you, then there is no one to respond or react. There is only the reality of the moment which is without a self that knows. When there is no you the other is forced to confront the reality of who he is in that moment. But he will not want to stay in the truth of the moment he will want to escape into his perceptions of you. As long as you are an "emptiness", that is you stay in the moment, he will not be able to escape. You are only a mirror that reflects the truth of what is. So eventually he will realize that you have changed, that he can no longer elicit a reaction by "pushing your buttons". In relationship, as long as you are psychologically attached, you will be expecting the other to be responsible for you happiness. Peace and happiness come from within. It is the outcome of the total freedom of the absolute moment in which there is a dissipation of the self that "knows".